I'm posting Tuesday and Wednesday together. I wasn't sure that I was going to post Tuesday's journal entry because it was such a hard day for us. I typed it out and saved it as a Word doc. However, adoption is all about hard days, so I left it. Also, excuse the typos and stuff – no time to read and edit, so it will have to do as is!

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Tuesday

Today just plain sucked. Because of that, I'll start off on a humorous note. Mattix took his first poo today. I used to read adoption blogs and roll my eyes when I would read family's blog entries about first dumps, thinking, "Who would write that? I'll never write that. Who cares?" Well, never say never. FYI, with adoption, babies and children usually don't poo for quite a while after joining their new families. Sometimes it can take over a week and it's quite normal for it to take five or so days. Well, apparently the yogurt we fed Mattix for breakfast did the trick. He certainly liked it, smacking his lips three or four times after every bite. Apparently his tummy wanted it out, stat. Less than thirty minutes later, Ed yelled, "Holy crap! He blew his diaper. Hurry!" I figured Ed just wasn't man enough to handle the first poopy diaper on his own, so I ran over. Yeah, well, neither was I. I nearly threw up in my mouth. I have yet to see something so rank come from something so small. How can such a cute little baby produce that?!?! First of all, the diapers in Vietnam are cruddy. The quality is horrible and they don't hold their load (ha ha) well at all. They are the same name brand that you can buy in the states (e.g., we're using Pampers), but they are the equivalent of something seriously generic and cheap you might buy at a discount store. As such, Mattix's little (rather big) treat was everywhere. I ran to the other side of the room, gagging so badly I honestly thought I was about to vomit. Unfortunately, I'm not being funny. I have a horrible gag reflex (it's hereditary - my little brother is a freak, too) and it doesn't take much to set it off. I was bent over in the corner, hacking and gagging, doing everything I could not to dry heave, while Ed, even more disgusted with me than he was with what Mattix deposited in his cheap diaper, was yelling, "You get your ass over here right now and cut it out and help me clean this crap up." Anyway, we had everything cleaned up and good to go after a few minutes. Yikes. Nobody told me that it was THAT bad. That ain’t right.

So, onto the serious stuff. We had to apply for Visas with USCIS and have passport photos of the babies taken today. The guys went to the visa office on their own (Ed reports that gov't buildings are the same all over the world, because it was just like your typical nasty DMV) and the girls took the kids to have their photos taken. Mattix gave his usual adorable contemplative look in his photo. Seriously cute. He wouldn’t smile. At this point, he's not an easy sale for smiles. I now understand why he was only sporting a half-smirk in ONE of the fifty plus photos we received of him while we waited. He looks at you with the most intense eyes, as though he's thinking something profound. When he gives that look to me, it feels like he's thinking, "You suck at this, lady. Try again. I'm not buying it." His looks are precious; he just absorbs everything around him and looks at you while he thinks about it.

Anyway, next we had a meeting with Thuy to plan out the rest of the week. We have a lot of adoption-related stuff to take care of, but we planned to go to the Melong Delta tomorrow and the Bin Tau Market (or something like that - can't remember the exact name) on Thursday to do some authentic shopping. We're leaving for Hanoi on Sunday morning, and will only be there until Wednesday morning (when we leave to come home). Ed and I are both actually really disappointed. I know this is contrary to what many who traveled under the old I600 procedures will say because they felt like three weeks was too long to stay, but we're here for just under two weeks and it's not enough time. We won't have a chance to do anything we otherwise would have while we're up north. Ed and I really wanted to do an overnight at Ha Long Bay and there's no way that will happen (b/c we have adoption things to take care of every day that we're in Hanoi). Anyway, that was pretty disappointing.

We learned that we had our adoption medicals for the babies this afternoon. At this medical appointment, you must receive clearance from Vietnam approving the child to leave the country (b/c he is healthy). Hmmm. I'll write more about this when we return. Anyway, after a non-existent exam, we were told Mattix is a "strong boy" and we were approved.

Next, we went to the international clinic because Karen, one of our travel mates, and I wanted to have our children examined. I was worried that Mattix's horrid rash was scabies and I was concerned about his cough and wheezing. Well, if the whole deal didn't cost me $20 (seriously, $20), I may have been upset. This is the international clinic where we're supposed to go if WE get sick while in country because the care is supposed to be good enough for Americans. Huh. I think if I went in there for something related to my health issues I'd probably leave with an amputated arm or something. This only motivated me to continue to take care of myself. While a million times better than the VN hospital where the children had their clearance medicals (I'd rather just die in my hotel room than EVER go there), the international clinic left something to be desired. The doctor who examined Mattix was nice and all, but she didn't understand anything I asked or said. She told us his rash was "viral" and that he wasn't sick at all. She then sent us to the waiting room. Five minutes later, a nurse came out with a prescription card for three different drugs for my "not sick" child. Strange. Anyway, he's now supposed to be on antibiotics and Robitussin. I've turned into my mother - I'm thinking about whether he really needs them and hesitating on whether to start the. Dear God help me. I hope this kid never has to have surgery, or I'm worried I'll go down Terry (my mom) style and deny him his pain medication.

Beginning this morning, Mattix screamed his head off any time I stopped moving while holding him. If I wasn't bouncing him around like crazy or walking at a fast pace, we would freak out, arch his back, and scream. Ed and I started paying attention and realized that he had a complete meltdown each and every time we tried to just hold him.

As the day wore on, it became apparent that this child has never been held just to be held. I'm having a very hard time with that. At the medical clinic, he became so upset that I didn't know what to do with him. We also noticed that he'll cry up a storm, yet shed no tears. No matter how hard he cries, he doesn't cry real tears. I became very upset because I know these issues are a result of being institutionalized for ten months without proper care (meaning nobody to hold him when he needed to be held, or hell, nobody to hold him at all, whether he needed it or not).

This is very, very difficult for me. I came into this adoption with no expectations as far as Mattix’s reaction to us. I fully realized this baby would not know Ed and I from Adam and therefore wouldn't just fall in love with us the way we fell in love with him nine months ago. In fact, we expected him to be very apprehensive and guarded. We are complete strangers to him and I'm well aware of that.

Adoption involves a very significant amount of loss for the adopted child. An adopted child suffers the loss of his first mother, and then suffers yet another loss when he is removed from the orphanage. It's easy for us to see that life with an adoptive family is far superior to life in an orphanage, but that doesn't mean that the loss isn't tremendous for the child.

Because of this, I never expected Mattix to just cling on and love us. However, I certainly didn't expect him to have had such a tough life that he didn't even know how to be held. We’re both hoping and praying that he just doesn’t want to be held by US. That’s perfectly fine and to be expected. Our concern is that he doesn’t want to be held at all because he never was.

I did my best not to cry in the van on the way home from the medical appointment. By the time we got back, I just wanted to return to our room. All of our group members were on overload and we were all wavering about the Mekong Delta trip. We really, really want to go, but I don’t think I can handle another day like today, which is exactly what will happen if we go out all day. After much debating, I had the world’s most brilliant idea (seriously, this is how tired all of us are – it took lots of discussion before I even came up with this one). I called Thuy and asked if she could reschedule the Mekong Delta trip to Friday or Saturday. She said that she could, so we’re going to spend tomorrow hanging around and just being low key to see how the kids do.

We ordered room service (and I finally ate!) and spent some time on the internet reading about holding and attachment. We’re of course going to give this some time and see how we progress. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! I’m sure it will. I also realize that I’m in a daze. I haven’t slept more than four hours a night (on a good night) since December 1st (which just so happen to follow up an out-til-4:00 a.m. night out with the girls). We’re obviously overtired and over-stimulated (no, it’s not just the baby that is experiencing a whole different world – we traveled across the world AND become parents in two days). We’re hopeful that each day, Mattix will show us a little more of his true self.

Wednesday

What a difference a day makes. Everyone always says to wait a few days once you have the child out of the orphanage and it's true. We certainly don’t even know him yet, but this child is amazing. He becomes more and more engaged every minute. Last night, before we fell asleep, we were playing on the bed with stacking cups. (Stacking cups are the only toy we've used so far b/c he LOVES them. It's not even natural how much he loves those stupid cheap plastic stacking cups.) Anyway, I would hold one up to my mouth, make a silly noise, and toss it at him. I've never heard a giggle that great. He laughed and laughed and laughed until he was choking (no I’m not trying to kill my kid). We did that for about 20 minutes. He had both Ed and I crying he was so precious. The smile on his face, with his two little bottom teeth half poking through, is priceless.

Nights are difficult. I hope they get better, but I'm not counting on it any time soon. Nights are when you can really see the effects of his institutionalization. I'll write more about it later, but it's sad and upsetting. We're doing what we're "supposed" to do; we'll just keep hoping for progress. The reason he's bald on each side of his head is not b/c they shaved his head or because he lies on those sides. It's because he yanks and scratches at his head so forcibly that he has pulled or rubbed all of the hair out. It's called a self-soothing behavior. Because nobody responded to his needs for ten months, he had to learn how to calm himself and put himself to sleep alone. Institutionalized children often develop different self-soothing behaviors so that they can relax themselves when nobody responds to their cries. It makes my heart ache to watch him. When we prevent him from doing it (which we do), he becomes very, very frustrated. It's such a strong need that he'll do it on my (or Ed's) chest or arms. It's very painful when he does it to us - he gets his nails in there, pinches, grabs, pulls, and scratches, so I can only imagine how much it hurts his poor little baby head. We hope that over time, he'll learn to rely on us so that he no longer needs to do this. However, we also know that children sometimes continue this for years. He doesn’t sleep through the night at all; he wakes up crying and sometimes terrified. We’re hopeful that this is due to a change in environment. Needless to say, we're all very tired.

I don't want to sound too depressing, because today was really a great day. He allowed us to hold him for short stretches. We couldn't sit perfectly still, but we also weren't bouncing him all over the place. Ed is absolutely amazing with Mattix. He's such an incredible father. I was having a hard time this morning because every time I would try to pick Mattix up and he would cry, I would cry, too (I know – I’m actually crying). Not exactly helpful parenting! Ed worked with him for over an hour this morning, and by the end, Mattix would sit calmly in his arms for ten minutes at a time while they slowly wandered around the room. We played with him on the bed for hours. He's so engaging. He's starting to care more about us playing with him than his stacking cups. When we first brought him home, he wanted really only cared about his toys, not us.

Oh, before I forget to talk about the most important thing of the day (food), the breakfast at the Rex is freaking awesome. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but if I have, sorry – skip this part. We all know my day (life) revolves around what I can get down my gullet, and seriously, I could eat here every day. It’s sooo good. They have lots of Veitnamese food, in addition to some American and French dishes. Ed and I have yet to eat anything American because the Vietnamese food is so good! Oh, and I think Ed must have read the blog, because for the past two mornings, he’s walked around with Mattix while I eat first. He even told me today to stop eating so quickly and enjoy it. Nice!

Okay, back to the baby. He took a nap for an hour and a half and woke up all happy and ready to go. We were meeting our travel mates for lunch, but because he slept a little long, we didn’t walk with them. Great idea. We couldn’t find the place. I asked for directions at our hotel. I’m not exactly sure what she said, so we interpreted the best we could and took off. Over the next hour, we walked blocks and blocks, in circles, asking at least five other people for directions. Each pointed is in the opposite way, so we would take off, walk for four or five blocks, then stop and ask someone else. We’re really great world travelers. The good news is that I can cross any street, anywhere. Really, I can now. I just go and pray (out loud). An hour later, sweating like a like a man, we found it. (Side note: I’m starting to look like a dude. Really, I am. I was looking through the photos from the past few days wondering exactly what happened. It’s not normal. I’m blaming it on the weather,) By the time we got there, we were so hot and so tired (and I was a little frazzled from all the street crossing) that I wanted a Valium, not lunch. Nobody had a Valium, so I settled for a Diet Coke and Ed a beer.

Thuy brought us all strollers yesterday and Ed and I gave it a try. I was a little worried but as it turns out, Mattix LOVES the stroller. Absolutely loves it. He hangs out in there, eyes wide open, looking back and forth to check out everything around him. He takes it all in and gives his little contemplative looks. Nothing scares him, which is shocking because all he’s ever known was the orphanage. The kids aren’t taken outside the orphanage, and certainly nowhere like THIS. Hell, I’m not used to this. It’s madness. (Although it could be that he IS scared, but he deals with it by becoming quiet. That's how he reacted to us when we picked him up. He was very, very quiet and just studied us, but I do think he was upset. Hopefully we're not traumatizing him.)

Oh, and he doesn’t sweat. I thought he did, which is why I had him in just a onesie the other day (when I got in trouble), but I’m apparently wrong. No sweat. What is up with that? The Americans are dying here, dressed in as little clothes as is socially acceptable, and he’s sporting the pants, long sleeve onesies, shoes, and hat and is as cool as a cucumber.

After lunch, we went sightseeing around town. We saw some really neat things. (Oh, and for my girls at home, authentic Louis Vuitton – they have lots of our favorite upscale boutiques here – does cost as much as it does in the states.) Anyway, by the time we finished, I was soaking wet with my own sweat, certain I was going to die at any moment of heat stroke. You could have rung out my tank top. I’m from Arizona and I can't take this. I’d suggest that Al Gore take a trip to Vietnam to focus his global warming awareness efforts on this place, because something’s got to be going on with that.

Mattix loved every minute of the walk and so did Ed and I. There are so many amazing, old buildings here. It’s neat to walk around the streets and just see everything. There are lots of people on the streets selling stuff. Some of it is interesting, some of it made me throw up a little. There are tons of street vendors with all sorts of food, and all I wanna know is who buys shrimp that is sitting in baskets on the street when it’s 145 degrees out. The smell alone makes you want to die. Bacteria, anyone? Oh, and if anyone wants to learn Vietnamese, Ed purchased a translation book from someone who just wouldn’t let up. Yeah, ‘cause that’s helpful. Just because I can see the word written in Vietnamese certainly doesn’t mean I can pronounce it. The good news is that there’s an entire section apparently focused on picking up hookers, entitled “Sex,” wherein you learn the important stuff, including: “How much?” “Harder!” “I won’t do it without a condom!” and “I love you” (because you’ve gotta be polite, right?). If anyone needs it for a future trip, shoot me an email.

Anyway, after our walk, we came back to the room and hung out together. It was great. Mattix is opening up so much. He smiles at us, giggles, works hard to make eye contact, and gives the sweetest looks. He’s the most precious baby. It makes me cry to think about how much more he deserved for the first ten months of his life. I’ll get through that, but it’s hard, just knowing that someone so sweet and helpless has been through so much. Today he stood up – ON HIS OWN – twice, for a few seconds each time. He’s just a few days shy of ten months, so I believe he’s right on track with that. He walks while holding your hands, and he walks around the bed (really quickly) while holding on to the edge. Now thta I think about it, I'm certain he's highly gifted, possibly a genius. Sorry, I'm just being honest. Even if he’s just right on track, I’ve determined he’s brilliant. (He’s probably going to solve the global warming issue, mentioned above, and show Al Gore that although simply talking about a problem may get you the Nobel Peace Prize, solving it is better.) Anyhoo, I digress. After spending every day of your life in a crib, enough so to make your head flat, you’ve gotta be special to be physically on track, right? It’s too early to make any determinations about his mental and emotional development, but from what we've seen, he’s an amazing little boy!

We met our travel mates for dinner on the Rooftop, which was fun (mostly because they have Vodka tonics, but also because it’s fun to eat with them). After that, we went across to the street to the Tax Market to buy more stuff for Mattix. (Seriously, he needs a lot of stuff. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Diapers, formula, wipes, baby food, blah, blah, blah. Geez.) The Christmas season in Vietnam is cool and weird. I guess the Tax Market is like a mall (nothing like our malls – very strange), and right now, it's like going to the mall during Christmas, except we’re in Vietnam and all the Christmas music is English rap versions of popular Christmas songs. And there are people, people everywhere. It’s like shopping the day before Christmas, except it’s not the day before Christmas. They have a tree set up in the middle on the ground floor and some Christmas decorations around it, and the way people gather around in awe, laugh, talk loudly, point, and take pictures like crazy posed in front of it, you would think there was a celebrity there. Except there’s not. Very, very interesting.

So that's all I have today (“all” – I think I wrote too much again). Things are improving each day. Tomorrow is the shopping day, so I’m sure I’ll have exciting things to share. Hope everyone is doing well at home. I hear it’s raining a lot in Arizona. (Kedra - hopefully the green isn't filling up too much! I wouldn't like to come home to a flooded yard!) Thank you all SO much for your emails and comments – Ed and I absolutely LOVE reading them and we’re sorry we can’t respond right now. We’re short on internet time, plus the connection is spotty at best. We’ll talk to you all soon!

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